every day words for life

Things have definitely not been going smoothly for the past couple months. I recently quit my job because of all the Alex drama and finally felt like I had enough of it. I had totally lost myself in a game that I myself created. I just wanted to feel valued by someone. I just wanted to feel like someone actually cared about me and my problems. Unfortunately I’ve been going down this long road of looking for outside validation from people and not valuing myself on the inside. I’ve been trying to be strong for the things that don’t matter as much (i.e. petty arguments) but when it comes to things that really matter to my heart I either run away from them or choose not to confront them. I really feel like I have no idea where I’m going at this point and maybe that’s okay. I do need to figure things out on my own and just let things happen as they may. But I’ve just really been digging all these holes for myself and it isn’t getting me anywhere except more lonely and depressed. I’m so confused about where my passions lie. Where my heart really is. I feel like I lost my soul, a long time ago. And I’ve been trying to find it somewhere. I used to have such a good heart and cared a lot about people but I know I’m not that person anymore. I’m less naïve but I’m also guarded and clearly mentally scarred and hurt by so many people. So I’ve chosen to hurt others. And place this responsibility that I have chosen to uptake and teach lessons to other people. Sometimes I can’t forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made. I recently lost my iPhone again for the second time in the last few months and I’ve really been beating myself up about it for the past few days. I have to build myself back up again from scratch. Make myself stronger and more focused and determined. Realize where my goals and my motivations lie. And I know this will take time but I’m willing to wait and let things sort out on their own. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. And it’s so cliché but its real. It’s me. Now, I’m going to have to tell my parents about my phone. It’s not even that I’m scared about how they’re going to react but I’m more mad at myself for making the mistake all on my own. But it will all be okay.

I’m devoting this post to just regurgitate all of my negativity and blockages i’ve created in my mind throughout my life and i feel like i’m moving onto bigger and better and without purging all this scum in my brain, i wont be able to keep going and actually expect better things in life. 

I feel like I’ve just been in a pity party my whole life. I’m always victimizing myself and making myself feel bad for seeing other people do better in life or achieve the things i wish i could achieve. I always notice myself getting jealous of guys and feeling sad for myself because I can’t get the things I want in life. Love, money, success, a wise career choice, happiness. I feel like i’ve used clothing and identity as a way to cover myself and put on a facade towards other people and the world. So people can feel envious of me. “Oh, I want his shirt so bad, he’s so amazing!” The illusion is all I’ve ever known. I always thought that as soon as I came out my life would turn around and I’d feel so much better about myself and things in life would come easier. But it’s been the opposite. Though I’m not discrediting my coming out experience one bit, it was still a life changing moment however I’ve devoted so much of my life thinking about my sexuality it’s like all I’ve ever known. I feel like my sexuality has literally defined my life and who I am so far. And I think I’m actually growing up and discovering that theres other parts to me other than the fact that i’m gay. I feel like I’ve really been on a rolller coaster ride these last few years. With only myself. See, here we go again, oooh look at me I’m so lonely. But I can’t help but feel quite isolated and alone. I see people together and with one another and with large group of friends. But here I am just wandering u of c by myself between classes, skipping class to get drunk and closing the store by myself. I feel like I’ve just been trying tryin and trying to be happy and get myself into a better place in my life but my mind is still in the gutter. I can’t help but flashback to early moments of my life that have completely changed who I am. Buried secrets that are crawling within my subconscious. How sexually driven i was since a young child. And the people i’ve affected and changed due to my innocence and ignorance. But I have to learn to forgive myself. I was really just a child. I was a child. I didn’t know any better. I had no one there for me to teach me these things. For years i’ve had guilt rise within me. I remember even thinking how I was gay and washing my face while crying because I thought that it would rid me of my disgusting thoughts and my guilt. And I would just cry for hours before I went to sleep. I think the fact that i’m uncut and have a tight foreskin has seriously plagued my mind for years now. The more I’m coming into my own the more I feel like I’m being held back by some insecurity. But I’m working on stretching it and just feeling more comfortable in my own skin. I actually can’t believe i just typed this. It’s something I’ve never even spoken out loud about or even written down. It’s the reason I feel like I can’t even be in a relationship with a guy because he’ll think i’m disgusting and break up with me and that would just break me. I’ve been so strong for so long but really i’m fragile inside and that’s what really gets to me. It’s my deep hidden long for love and longing for acceptance because of all the things i’ve been through and more importantly put myself through. I guess it’s a matter of trust and being with the right people. Finding the right guy and not ever guy that turns the corner. I feel like my priorities are whack at the moment. I really have no idea what I’m doing in school because I hate all my classes and feel like I’m just there to be there. I actually had the thought today to purposely get in academic prohbation so I can take a year off and travel. Literally just played with that notion in my mind for an instant while I was in the shower. I feel like an alien lifeform sometimes. Like an odd sickly creature trying to be human. I’ve gotten better about the way I look but I still need to clear up my skin and get a nose job. I’m so fucking young. Holy shit. I try to live like i’m 23. I’m just so confused. When it comes to being myself and friendships, relationships, school, destiny :(. I really don’t like sharing these things with people. I feel like I know myself so well and know exactly how I act. I put on this facade with my friends that I’m fabulous and I’m straight forward and I’m funny but I really do feel like an ugly duckling inside. I feel like I’ve spent so much of my life trying to be somebody. Trying to be that regular straight guy playig basketball. Trying to be a fashionista in senior year. Trying to be a bad ass in university. I think i’m cooling down and getting back to my roots now. I know I have a lot to offer to the world but sometimes speaking fails me. All these things have been going through my head recently. Stupid problems really now that I have written them down…. It’s almost funny how serious our lives can feel and how sad we can make ourselves. I just want to fucking grow up and be that confident funny attractive guy I know is inside me.

It’s been so long and today marks the start of a new semester at university. Upon reading the last post I can see the amount of growth I’ve gone through within these past few months. Things have been steady but expansive. I’m stronger than I’ve ever been. I went through a rough first semester at university in which all i was doing was partying and fighting everyone at the bars and getting wasted. I’ve grown up a lot within the last year it’s almost shocking. I’ve gained quite the confidence in my own self image which is something I’ve been wanting to grow into for years now and I finally have somewhat of a high self-esteem. People don’t get to me that easily anymore and I’ve dealt with confrontation quite heavily which has allowed me to build a thicker skin. However that is no longer my highest concern. First semester of university was very much so me stuck in high school drama. I wanted it and it happened. I realize my capability of manifesting things into my life. Manifesting love for instance which was absolutely dreadful. My manager at my work fell absolutely head over heels for me and upon retrospect was probably one of the worst weirdest/strangest experiences i’ve dealt with for quite a while. I fed into his creepiness. But how could i blame myself, after years of feeling unloved and hideous it was amazing to have somebody think I was ‘the most beautiful person on the planet.’ Psh. Still skeptical upon his true motives.. Regardless, I’m over all of that and have distanced myself from him. Almost too many things to state in one little paragraph. Family life is getting better and is quite stable at the moment though I did run away at one point because my parents and I got into a heated argument. All this arguing stuff is stupid and trivial. I now know that the only people that will always be there for me is my family. I’ve lost some really close friends over these past few months and have realized a lot of things about relationships. Met a guy from Toronto that I grew so attached to I couldn’t let go. I still check my email like every half hour. Something is wrong with me lol. But I know that it’s unhealthy, and so does he. He’s 23 and thus he knows how to act on these things better than I do. Oh sergey. I’m learning to let him go and focus back on me and get the things done that I need to get done. I’m also quite the attention whore which I’ve come to learn about myself. Things are changing for the better I feel like there’s an old skin from last year that I have to shed and start fresh. Speaking of skin, I wish I had clear skin omfg I’m sick of my scars and breaking out but my skin isn’t nearly as bad as it used to be thank god. I think I put so much energy into looking for love or looking for companionship. It’s almost gruelling. It takes a toll on the heart when you feel like you are receiving nothing back. But I know in the back of my mind I’m looking in all the wrong places. I used to hate standing out but now I feed off of it. I know I’m beautiful and have such a uniqueness about me. I wish someone (who wasn’t a 33 year old virgin + my manager) would see that about me too. University kind of sucks and I’ve done terribly in school last semester. This semester is hopefully where things will turn around for the better and I can eventually transfer to Toronto or Vancouver. I know for sure that I want to leave this city. I need to explore new places and more about myself. I think I’ve developed a lot of character these past few months and I’m much more comfortable in the skin I’m in. Oh god, was it bad before or what? Shows that things can really work out for the better. 

And big girls don’t cry. I’m starting university tomorrow and this past week has been a cyclone of emotions. Olivia left to BC and I’m really starting to see the effect it has had on me, I’ve been spending too much time alone etrying to cope with my emotions. It’s like anytime I’m out and about I can keep it together and act strong and positive and happy and confident but as soon as I get home the facade crumbles to the floor and the slightest altercation with my family makes everything shatter, and I can only console myself. I’ve been learning to be stronger for myself but I’m still in that transitory phase in my life. I hope things get better, I’ve been so fed up and exhausted with all this..always having to pick myself up again and regain my composure and always having to fight battles and stay on the defensive, I know I have it in me to be a strong individual but things have been going up and down up and down every week. I’ve turned to alcohol mostly, hopefully that habit doesn’t last long (ha), I just really want a friend. And somebody to love me, other than myself.

August just rolled around, and I’m feeling a lot better about myself, and who I am. Though I know I still have many years ahead of me, I am much more comfortable with who I am now than I was, say, a couple weeks ago? Maybe I’m just on a high part of my usual emotional rollercoaster, but I still have a lot of acceptance to deal with. I never remember wanting to get a nose job when i was young but for some reason that’s all I can think about these days. It’s terrible, I need to build some more love for myself. I did acid recently and it was actually a much better experience, though during the trip I had trouble forming complete sentences, when I got home I literally felt amazing, at one point even meditating on my bed for the duration of a David Bowie song. I’ve been spending a lot of time alone, smoking weed in my room, which has been getting the best of my lungs. I even smoked a whole pack with Emily the night we did acid. However I have been trying to get into shape these days, exercising every couple days or so. My mother being her superstitious self, got me a reading from some psychic in sri lanka, it turns out she knew a lot more about me than I would’ve guessed (off with her head!). She stated that I would have a ‘bad period’ in my life until the end of 2012. Girl, if I’m alive by then that is. But I say fuck it, I will learn to find happiness and joy in every day and fuck being depressed for another whole year, I’m not letting myself succumb to that, so you can stick your crystal ball up your ass, miss cleo. Anyways thought I would journal about how the summer of grade 12 is going. I know that I’ll never have another summer like this, that’s for sure…

As soon as I feel like I’m taking steps forward in my search for identity and self-respect, I take giant leaps back. A specific incident today on the train aroused my intense onset of emotions. A young gay boy—quite rudely—was disturbing other passengers and heckling people but when people started talking back to him he stood his ground, being attacked on the basis of his sexuality, he didn’t inch back, in fact he really stood up to the plate and defended his honor—honor he knew in his heart that he truly deserved. As I was ignorantly/blissfuly listening to music on my ipod, I was completely withdrawn from my external surroundings and felt disembodied—impartial. As I stood there silently watching this heroic young man, more confident that I ever feel I will be, completely bash two biggoted idiots on the train I was completely at a loss for words. My moment to fucking embrace myself, stand up for the right thing, I FELL SHORT. and i honestly can not feel worse about it. Who the fuck do I think I am? So concerned with image, imitation, mimicry—all completely useless garbage residing in my mind I DIDNT STAND UP FOR HIM. I DIDNT TAKE A STANCE THAT TOOK MY IDENTITY AND SEXUALITY IN FULL GRASP AND DIGNITY AND I FUCKING FELL FLAT. where do i go from here? I clearly have so much to fucking learn.

My 18th birthday was 2 nights ago, on a saturday. I was really high on MDMA the whole night. I had a lot of fun but i had an underlying sense of loneliness and desperation. Something so miniscule, just the absence of a lover in my life, made me feel so worthless inside, in fact I still feel the same. Why do I need to seek validation from men to feel good about myself? Because I’m still an insecure, selfish, overdramatic little shit. I love myself, but at times I don’t think I’m good enough…for anyone. I know I’ll get over it in due time. I’ve been doing a lot of hardcore drugs, mostly just MDMA and Acid for the last few months or so. Acid is lovely but it really does make me feel quite down. I guess I’m just glad I checked those two off. I still feel like I lack a lot of self esteem. It’s not a huge deal, I’m sure with more life experience I’ll gain confidence within myself. I know that I deserve something more than this. More than the emotional turmoil and sadness that follows me everywhere. You know what, I’m not as depressed as I used to be, I’ve gotten a lot better. But I have my moments. Last night I cried before I fell asleep, I just felt like I’ve been bottling things in too long. I’m just…..lonely.

Why can’t I be straight? Girls clearly like me more than gay guys do…what’s so wrong about me that not a single guy would approach me and dance with me? It makes me sad, and angry. Why am I always getting the shorter end of the stick. I’ll change that.

School wise, I haven’t been doing to well. Clearly my emotional state reflects in my academic performance. My effort in school is minimal at best. I’m just still hoping I’ll be going to U of C next year. I’m going to start investing in the stock market so I can get money to move out next year. At the moment I’m still watching youtube videos to understand the jist of things, but I’ll catch on. I know that if I really want to learn something and acquire a skill, I have the capability to do so successfully. Hey, I may think that I’m ugly but at least I have faith in myself to achieve. Sigh.

That’s all I think about these days. Someone ignores me, kill myself. Trip over a step, kill myself. I can’t stop but feel so fucking suicidal. And it’s not even a ‘oh pity me, im depressed and hate life’ kind of thing, I literally just want to be ridden from this life and this world and escape into a void. Maybe I’ll try hardcore drugs first and if that doesn’t work out for me, death is the only way out. I hate my ‘friends’. They’ve always been nothing but an illusion. A distraction from myself. But now I’m more self aware than ever and I’m ready to take control. Whatever future that may bring.

It’s been nearly a month since i last wrote. I could’ve sworn that today was November 17th but I guess the conventional concept of time has missed me. I spent the entire weekend alone in my room. Smoking weed and watching Kubrick films. Who am I. What am I. I delve into films because i find characters that I want to embody. Because I hate my own identity and this unfortunate premise that entails my life. In love with my straight english teacher, feelings of insecurity around my so called friends and a unified sense of solitude and lack of self worth. I want to be Lisa from Girl, Interrupted. I want to be Neil from Mysterious Skin. Yet I can’t support any of these characters, because my inner being is so mentally tortured and lost that I crumble at the first sign of adversity. I feel like i’m stuck. Within my thoughts and within this whirling world of events surrounding me, that I’m just stagnant within my own mind and unable to accept this so called reality of my existence. I hate my life. :’( and just when I thought I was over all of this depression shit I sink myself back into a rut. I just want to be with Mr. S and be held by him and loved by him and I want to just tell the world to FUCK OFF. THATS HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW IN MY LIFE. I need to make myself happy.

“When gregor samsa woke up one morning from unsettling dreams, he found himself changed in his bed into a monstrous vermin.”

- Franz Kafka, ‘The Metamorphosis’

I feel so alienated from everything. So much has happened in the last few weeks, I can’t begin to explain it all. I am so sick of my so called friends. I want to be the lone wolf i once was, ambling my way in solitude home every friday during spare. 

I hate me. Who the fuck is this flamboyant confident gay kid. He’s nothing to me or to anyone else. This past weekend I’ve realized that no one really does care for me. All my friends are being assholes to me. I just wish they knew what kind of toll this is taking on my mental health. I haven’t been this suicidal in a long time.